A New Beginning 

We are almost there but we are here. 

No I’m not talking about X-mas, I’m actually referring to The New Year.

Granted it is a bit early to discuss New Years resolutions but this is the first time I’m setting one. 

A friend pushed me to make one and I agreed. My old belief was it was just another but now I see it as a new beginning. 

Goals

  1. Get an agent. For the past few months I’ve been searching for a literary agent and thus farno luck. Four rejection letters and 2 months of silence. I’m praying for a little closure on this subject, from them or self-publishing.
  2. Finish a novel. For NaNoWriMo in 2015 I started a novel. I got around 15k words (1/3 story wise) and have put it down since.
  3. Write a sequel. A friend convinced me to finish the story of the novel I’m shopping to agents. The cliff hanger ending has left people lukewarm, so I’m looking to redeem myself.
  4. Start a new Novel. I bet you guys are tired of the novel theme but oh well. I’ve decided to mimic a few authors by taking their advice of writing in a setting you know. So I’m creating a series that has the setting in the south.
  5. Continue this wrestling Fantasy League. A few days ago I’ve been added to a wrestling fantasy league full of women wrestling. It’s fun and hopefully I can use it slingshot me to full time writing again. The first time since my injury to my finger.

Thanks for tuning in and Happy Holidays!

NaNoWriMo

​With all the posts about Halloween I’ll be the first to make a post about tomorrow. 

November is the first day of NaNoWrite Month. Its when writers attempt to write a 50,000 word novel. 
Last year I competed and didn’t get halfway to the goal, but I put down something. 
This year sadly I won’t be competing due to an injury and will be there in spirit (am i crying?). To you guys who participate, I wish you a luck and Godspeed ladies and gentlemen . 

Characters Motivation

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Lately I’ve been running into several road blocks as I begin my second draft. My last post is one reason another reason is that I approach my novel different from my peers.

I really don’t want say how I approach my story but here’s (my guess) how others identify their stories: through characters. My approach seeing something cool in my head and putting it on paper.

Yes it’s the Michael Bay approach and yes I feel guilty about not knowing a structure of how build a novel. At a certain point he gave up on characters and put in robots.

I see my stories as a movie or TV series, where I can very slowly give the reader character back story. On my first novel these details came near the end and readers felt cheated (huge twist), but there was no other way for a reveal that didn’t make the ending predictable.

Characterization almost comes off easy for these people. To me they are writers where I feel like a nobody to these masters.

I haven’t created a character that jumped off the pages but I’m hoping my cast would come alive. Maybe my second novel would have more staying power but I don’t know.

Before I started this post I was ready to stop writing completely and it’s crazy how blogging is therapy. While writing,  I never feel progress. Yeah I wrote a novel but anybody can do what I did.  Yes it was hard  and yes it took 6 years but anyone can do this. With enough will power you can do anything, including creating compelling characters. 

I haven’t given up yet guys and you shouldn’t either. Thanks for the likes and subscribes.

It’s Official: I’m a Loser

Yeah….

After psyching myself not to ask her out I got depressed and stressed myself sick. Once that nightmare was over I had a change of heart and asked if we were in the friend zone.

I’ll let the title speak for itself

So, again I’m down feeling buried. I knew it was coming yet I feel this way and I ask why?

This is a person who made me feel better being a person. I think my quality at being a human went up and now I’m back at square one. Lonely square one.

I let out all of “this will happen” thoughts in one night and tonight’s “lonely for eternity” discussion is totally on the table. Will I ever care for another person again?  Maybe but I hope not soon. Maybe that’s what I get for listening to a therapist my nightmare of a week.

Now I have to muster the strength of getting in a good mood before work and before my hours trip for a guys night. Instead of a marathon of writing to hurtle this pain I must choose sleep. I hate sleep.

Nothing makes me feel worse than her suggesting to find girls for me. I don’t want you to find me girls, I like you.

I don’t know, maybe I should close relationship shop again like last year and focus on writing. Well last year I wanted to focus on me but I was stressed about 2 jobs (manager at one).

I just kill myself for other people too much where my focus should be me and my goals. I want to put a fiction genre on the map and sell more books  than anyone.

So sacrifices must be made, friendships lost, time spent with goals and no girlfriends. The only person I’d have time for is someone I’d run into while pursuing my goal (linking job: editor, fellow writer, etc). She’ll be just right.

Wow I thought this post would be angry. Journals do work! Maybe I am past that gloomy stage in from my early to mid 20’s? I’ve wasted too much money on therapist when me stating the problem then searching for my best option out, really works.

I hadn’t thought of suicide tonight.  That’s my biggest positive.

Thanks for listening guys/girls.

Maybe next time I’ll be done with my second draft.

Infatuation Problem

DISCLAIMER: This is not a cry for help  but more like a cry for happy.

As of right now I am completely infatuated with this one person. She’s smart,  has a a sense of humor and has a unique connection with strangers.  All qualities people claim is have that I refuse to believe.

Her best trait is her drive.  She’s pushed herself to be the best at anything  and succeeds 9/10 times. I often wonder if Mr No Confidence here had her in my corner where would I be.

I’ve lived  many dark days. I’ve never done drugs or lived on the  streets  but I have battled depression.  It’s something that’s taken years off of my life but I hope to have conquered it.

Well, not too long ago she finally saw something I wrote. Often times, what I write comes from the darkest parts of my soul. I find it therapeutic to release negative thoughts.

Once I asked for her opinion where she was open and honest.  She seemed a little stand off a first but over an hour she opened her trust. I believe she saw me as a hazardous person who’s brewing with hostility and has some anger problems.

Yes. Every problem has shown up all at once but now it’s almost nonexistent. I keep it buried deep within the creative part of my brain where only creative things like listening to music or writing can grasp. Of course there is a small chance something can manifest itself there and bring it to the surface. So I prevent myself from drinking and am often antisocial. Why? Because being around friends is an act. I often play a larger than life character with little insecurities, swears off the cuff and cares little of what people think about him. A character too hard to play as for 4+ hours.

I revealed in delt with depression for a time but never said how long. I figure if she ever asked I’d tell her. The best part was after expressing her thoughts we still hung out for an extended time. I think it was an extra five hours? I felt the genuine me was coming out. So this has me thinking: Am I past the friend zone or am I completely locked down?

Honestly, I just want to be friends because there is nothing I want to do to jeopardize our friendship. Yeah friends don’t last forever but relationships have a 1% possibly of working out.  Why take the chance when she’s  clearly on the fence. But there was that one moment.

She showed me a story only me and a guy she likes have read. Am I part of an exclusive club because she likes me or is it because we’re writers? My guess is option two.

With her leaving town for a bit I thought distance is best (especially since  we’ve hung out all weekend) but tonight she’s kept me up and obviously  why this post was started.  A friend mentioned if she keeps you up at night then you should end it and cut all ties. Although it sounds like the right move I fear it might send to a downward spiral I never want to reach the bottom to again. So I’ve opted not contact her and wait.

Boys and Girls I’ve cried more writing this post than I have the past year. I’ve learned more about myself than any therapist has tried to feed me.

Am I a hazard?  Yes but only to myself. If anything happens I wish my friends to recall the best of me and not ponder when things went wrong.  Because there’s nothing they could have done to prevent destruction.

I have  a huge headache and if it’s anything bad I hope it’s an annuisum to put me down in seconds. My best friend described me as a tortured soul so I wish for no more pain.

Now guys before you freak out and think this is a cry for help, I’ll tell you it’s a cry for happy. I just wanted to be happy and others to be happy. Are people happier with me or without me? If so then I’ll walk away.

As always thank you for your time and I  anticipate your response.

I’m Finished!!

In case you missed the title here it is again: I finished my book.

My 6 year baby has finally arrived. The process has been therapeutic especially since I’ve written it like a method actor. When I started writing it I was in a bad place in my life and carried a chip on my shoulder.

I hope transform back to the original me in the coming weeks.

Thanks for the love and support.

No More Weekends

Sorry guys for the lack of updates, I have been busy with other projects.

Recently, I asked my closest friend to give a rough assessment of me. I asked him to be honest and don’t sugar coat it. He said: Whenever faced with adversity I give up. YEAH. Something you never want to hear about yourself but what he said is true. I’ve dropped the ball several times because I felt it was too difficult. Sorry but not this time.

The purpose of this post was to tell you guys that there is nothing stopping me from finishing my novel. No day jobs, friends, parties, girls… nothing. Usually, I plan a trip to head out of town once a week, but not anymore. I won’t plan for another activity (except work) until I’m done with my novel. Which means no anything.

Unfortunately, I get my best writing in the mornings so I get in bed around 7pm and wake up at 1am. Sometimes it sucks, but sacrifices must be made to accomplish your goals.

I will knock out one novel at a time.

Currently at: 44K words

Thank you for following.