DISCLAIMER: This is not a cry for help  but more like a cry for happy.

As of right now I am completely infatuated with this one person. She’s smart,  has a a sense of humor and has a unique connection with strangers.  All qualities people claim is have that I refuse to believe.

Her best trait is her drive.  She’s pushed herself to be the best at anything  and succeeds 9/10 times. I often wonder if Mr No Confidence here had her in my corner where would I be.

I’ve lived  many dark days. I’ve never done drugs or lived on the  streets  but I have battled depression.  It’s something that’s taken years off of my life but I hope to have conquered it.

Well, not too long ago she finally saw something I wrote. Often times, what I write comes from the darkest parts of my soul. I find it therapeutic to release negative thoughts.

Once I asked for her opinion where she was open and honest.  She seemed a little stand off a first but over an hour she opened her trust. I believe she saw me as a hazardous person who’s brewing with hostility and has some anger problems.

Yes. Every problem has shown up all at once but now it’s almost nonexistent. I keep it buried deep within the creative part of my brain where only creative things like listening to music or writing can grasp. Of course there is a small chance something can manifest itself there and bring it to the surface. So I prevent myself from drinking and am often antisocial. Why? Because being around friends is an act. I often play a larger than life character with little insecurities, swears off the cuff and cares little of what people think about him. A character too hard to play as for 4+ hours.

I revealed in delt with depression for a time but never said how long. I figure if she ever asked I’d tell her. The best part was after expressing her thoughts we still hung out for an extended time. I think it was an extra five hours? I felt the genuine me was coming out. So this has me thinking: Am I past the friend zone or am I completely locked down?

Honestly, I just want to be friends because there is nothing I want to do to jeopardize our friendship. Yeah friends don’t last forever but relationships have a 1% possibly of working out.  Why take the chance when she’s  clearly on the fence. But there was that one moment.

She showed me a story only me and a guy she likes have read. Am I part of an exclusive club because she likes me or is it because we’re writers? My guess is option two.

With her leaving town for a bit I thought distance is best (especially since  we’ve hung out all weekend) but tonight she’s kept me up and obviously  why this post was started.  A friend mentioned if she keeps you up at night then you should end it and cut all ties. Although it sounds like the right move I fear it might send to a downward spiral I never want to reach the bottom to again. So I’ve opted not contact her and wait.

Boys and Girls I’ve cried more writing this post than I have the past year. I’ve learned more about myself than any therapist has tried to feed me.

Am I a hazard?  Yes but only to myself. If anything happens I wish my friends to recall the best of me and not ponder when things went wrong.  Because there’s nothing they could have done to prevent destruction.

I have  a huge headache and if it’s anything bad I hope it’s an annuisum to put me down in seconds. My best friend described me as a tortured soul so I wish for no more pain.

Now guys before you freak out and think this is a cry for help, I’ll tell you it’s a cry for happy. I just wanted to be happy and others to be happy. Are people happier with me or without me? If so then I’ll walk away.

As always thank you for your time and I  anticipate your response.


12 thoughts on “Infatuation Problem

  1. I am concerned when I read this post. It sounds suicidal, which is really concerning. I don’t know how to send you a private message, but I wanted to reach out and offer support. When you struggle, I struggle. When you’re up, I’m up, and when you’re down, I’m down. We are all one. Don’t give up, baby. And please message me or someone you trust for support.

  2. Happier with you! Trust me! I know. I realize we don’t know each other but I understand where you are coming from. I tried to hurt myself once. I admitted myself to a mental hospital. Best. Three. Days. Ever. I learned so much about myself. I have chronic depression, suffer with migraines on a daily basis and have been diagnosed with social anxiety. Please, stay strong. Keep a diary/journal. Writing is a huge help for me. I can let myself rant on and on with paper and pen.
    I’m here for you if you need to vent or just want someone to listen.
    I care!

    Laurie Jackson

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